So I figured the season has passed, and we should probably make a list of do's and don'ts to survive xmas while visiting religious family members so hopefully others do not fall into the folly that we have. Add to the list and maybe we can come up with a comprehensive (and hopefully humorous guide) on how to come out of the holiday season unscathed.

I'll preface this by saying that my wife's family probably has suspicions but has no idea we are atheists.

Number 1. Absolutely do NOT take shots of whiskey, among other libations and attend a religious service half cocked (or any cocked really).

I was fine with all the pomp and circumstance of a midnight mass until the homily when the priest pretty much ran through an entire screed of apologetic BS, at the top of the list being that morals ONLY come from this guy called god. Apparently the whispers between my wife and I weren't as inaudible as I'd have liked. I have no idea what my mother-in-law and sister-in-law actually heard, but I am now forbidden to attend church anymore. Score one for Stephen!

I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with religious ceremonies/events for family's sake. I used to be fine with just sitting there through a service. Now it's hard as hell to keep my mouth shut and not refute things or make snarky comments or walk out. Last year I attended Easter mass with my then-boyfriend and his family (he was an atheist, they were all exceedingly catholic) and that was the best time I've ever had in church I think, just because we could give eachother knowing incredulous looks, hand squeezes, and giggly grins. They had a new (to me) thing where when all the believers go up to take communion, the nonbelievers have to go up in a separate line and get blessed and prayed for by some other priest or deacon or whatever. We were not expecting that, getting called out as non-believers in front of everyone. We talked about it later and were both very glad we had eachother there, and it was fun later to go "Oh my god did you remember when they said this....." and cackle like idiots. In fact I highly recommend doing shots of whiskey LATER and making fun of it. I think you need an outlet after stuff like that. I do, anyway. :)

I have no idea what my mother-in-law and sister-in-law actually heard, but I am now forbidden to attend church anymore.

Nice.
Sir, I owe you a shot of whiskey.

They had a new (to me) thing where when all the believers go up to take communion, the nonbelievers have to go up in a separate line and get blessed and prayed for by some other priest or deacon or whatever. We were not expecting that, getting called out as non-believers in front of everyone.

WOW! That is a new one to me and I thought the church I grew up in was conservative! I am damn surprised you put up with that, as soon as I would have hit aisle I would have been out of there.

Although I guess you could have fun with that one if you aren't as shy as I. When they start blessing, you could roll your eyes back, start foaming at the mouth, spitting and talking in tongues. That would show them :)

Nice.
Sir, I owe you a shot of whiskey.

Yeah, it's pretty cool, I like being forbidden. It also makes it all very tidy when there is a question as to whether I will be attending church with them.

Well I did have my one little moment of fun. When the priest blessed me, I said, fairly low, "Thanks, I bless you too!" which totally threw him off guard, but he recovered quickly and prayed for me harder and then just moved on to my boyfriend, who was trying not to laugh. :)

You know, I'm not sure I would have put up with all that from my own family, but when you love someone you make some sacrifices. That wasn't near as bad as his huge family reunion (I think around 200 people), where I'd say 50% are full on fundie homeschooling YEC christians, it was like one big happy 3 day jesus freak picnic complete w/ groups of guitar-playing hymn-singing hand-raising nuttiness and all the old ladies causing drama trying to make sure no unmarried couples were sharing any beds or tents or anything. I seriously got told by over a dozen folks, including my boyfriend's dad and grandmother, not to do any fornicating on the property or I would not only go to hell but never be accepted by the family. Yes they really used the term "fornicate" haha. And they never once approached my boyfriend about this, apparently they knew they couldn't get away with it with him, or else thought he had no willpower and I was a sex fiend or something. Like I'd have even tried any of that around those people, hell I was uncomfortable just kissing him in front of them, yeesh. When we learned we were not welcome to stay in anyone's house because we were living together and unmarried, we decided to tent it, and we had "knocks" on our tent door in the wee hours of the night making sure we were ok (the excuse we were given was sorry, grandma couldn't sleep until she knew none of the youngsters were sleeping their way to hell on her lawn).

Go figure the craziest fundie family I've ever met was of the one guy I ever dated from an atheist meetup group. Gotta watch out for that. ;)

You know, maybe next year we should just throw a big atheist festivus party on xmas or xmas eve as a fun alternative excuse so you just have to visit your christian family gathering for a little while and then duck out and move on to the better party, lol. Maybe I'll throw one. :)

... but I am now forbidden to attend church anymore.

Congratulations!

And Angie, re: being "blessed" as a non believer. Did that only include atheists or was it for any non-Catha-holic?

The blessing the priest back was a good touch for spur of the moment, but next time bring some kind of witch doctor's rattle and shake it at him as a blessing to ward off evil spirits.

--- edit ---

You folks are turning out to be a whole lot of fun! Almost makes me wish I was in Iowa. Except, for the weather, of course.

Yeah, it's pretty cool, I like being forbidden. It also makes it all very tidy when there is a question as to whether I will be attending church with them.

Suggestion 2: Offer to stay back (home with the bottle) and slave away at dinner/dishes. Order pizza while you imbibe and be joyful upon their return. They will be grateful they didn't have to "dis-invite" you, as that is not very christian of them!

My christmas story this year, the first year where me being known as an atheist too. First my mom wanted to force me to go to church christmas eve too but luckily the snow storm was bad enough that they canceled service, yay for South Dakota winters! At dinner though, my mom wanted to say grace and asked me to do it, I just looked at her with a "wtf" expression and my dad ended up saying grace. So that prompted me to bring it up the next day which lead to a discussion of her telling me that I have just had too easy of a life and that is why I don't believe in a god. I wanted to reply to that with a sarcastic "Being raised by you wasn't that easy" but I figured that was too mean, even for being sarcastic. She then followed that up with her telling me that I am just too "different" from the rest of the family. I wasn't really sure how to respond to that and it was about the time my mom shut her ears and quit listening so I just left it at that. I guess if I would have been a little bit dumber, never went to college and struggled through life a little more like the rest of my family that I would be a believer too! The more I thought about it the more I got pissed off and I still haven't talked to her again. I thought things were cool after I told her last summer but apparently denial is a powerful thing.

-EDIT-
I forgot to put in any do or don't. My 2 cents, do let your religious relatives live in their own delusions unless you want to be insulted and feel excluded from the rest of the family.

I'm really sorry, Nathan. That's awful.